Signs that you're holding unconscious childhood sexual abuse.


For several weeks now I've been going back and forth wondering whether to speak openly about this topic: the signs that your body is holding unconscious childhood sexual abuse.


With no memory of any event, unconscious childhood sexual abuse reveals itself through the nervous system, the physical structure particularly of the pelvis and spine, the psyche / emotional inner world and the energy field.


People who have experienced childhood sexual abuse often find themselves disembodied, chronically dis-regulated at a nervous system and visceral level, dissociating during somatic work and completely unaware of why. Usually layers of conditioning, other trauma events and illnesses have accumulated over the years leading to a deeper burying of the root causes.


This kind of trauma can be pre verbal and therefore there are often no words or images available to make sense of what is going on. Along with that, inner sensation is often muted or muffled and isn't reaching the brain to be processed, a sign of dissociation. As a result what is left, is subtle sense impressions and vibrations in the field, inner feelings that are hard to articulate and a sense of constant confusion, separation from self and shame. These are fragments, fractals, that can be opened to reveal more until the whole story is pieced back together.


I have developed a unique approach to helping my clients uncover, heal and integrate when evidence of childhood sexual abuse emerges during therapy. This approach offers direct clarity and understanding of what has happened leads to a deep harmonisation somatically, emotionally, relationally and energetically. Please reach out to me if you need to heal from the effects of childhood sexual abuse or if you are reading this article and you feel it is speaking to some of the experiences you haven't been able to put words to.


 

Structure / spine - our physical structure especially the spine reflects the base level of consciousness and holds the key to healing unresolved trauma


Spine feels stiff, held and rigid

Spinal feels fragile, spinal density is low

Sacrum is twisted / bent

Sacrum feels stuck /numb, spine is inaccessible and can't be felt

Coccyx is twisted, curled under, feels tight or numb

Lumbar sacral plexi are imbalanced between right and left

Compression and density in lumbar spine / lower back pain usually ache or throb

Pelvis feels locked or stiff / myofascial pelvic pain and tension

Pelvic floor feels tight, heavy, held, uncomfortable

Prolapse

Abdominal or pelvic pain / throbbing / heaviness

Hypertonic (very tight) pelvic floor Pain in the groin, buttocks, hips, and pelvis

Chronic pain and inflammation that doesn't resolve with structural work / diet changes Psoas muscles inner thighs feel tight Sacroiliac joints are painful / inflamed / limited mobility

Right hip feels inflamed, tense, pulled up without evidence of an injury

Stiffness in the hips regardless of stretching or structural work Pelvis is twisted and held (usually twisted to the left) Legs feel stiff / numb / knees are inflammed

Sphenoid is twisted creating cranial imbalance, sinus issues, hearing issues

Chronic jaw tension

Intracranial tension and pressure, membranes are tight Tentorium (associated with control) is held tightly and wound up affecting cranial nerve function and fluidic flow


 

Organs - our organs hold emotion and reflect underlying nervous system activity and consciousness and hold immense healing potential


Kidneys hold intense fear and charge

Kidneys feel frozen heavy / numb / cold

Kidneys feel muffled or are dissociated

Stomach feels tight / contracted / knotted

Gut is inflamed / IBS symptoms / Gut-brain connection inhibited

Can only feel stomach and gut when full / sensation is muted

Uncertainty about satiation which leads to patterns of starvation / binging / eating disorders

Liver toxicity and held charge of anger that can't be accessed

Overactive nervous system, constant stress

Cortisol levels are elevated but chronic stress states perceived as 'normal'

Adrenal glands are over-active

Organs feel full / like about to burst

Body feels bloated, there is visible bloating

Organs feel like they are on fire

Diaphragm is tight

Breathing is shallow

Breath doesn't go down into the womb / root on the exhale

Lymphatic stagnation and neurotoxicity

Layering of chronic and degenerative conditions

Autoimmune conditions

Organ dissociation particularly heart, womb and in more severe cases, also the gut and liver

Thyroid issues

Hormonal imbalance


 

Womb holds imprints of sexual abuse, often as impressions / sensations that prevents womb embodiment and grounding


Womb is inaccessible / numb / doesn't feel like it belongs to the body or to you

Womb is dissociated from the body / inaccessible

Womb is a black box / rock / heavy / separate from body

Womb heart throat connection is broken Menstruation has stopped, is irregular / extremely painful

Experiencing fibroids / endometriosis / cysts

Body holds innate sense of being dirty / wrong / disgusting / repulsive

Womb feels heavy / dirty and holds imprints of perversion that create nausea

Accessing the womb triggers nausea reflex

Sense of terror in the womb but not knowing why

Sense of womb being full or overflowing

Sense of womb being heavy or on fire / angry

Yoni / Penis holds sense of disgust / feeling of not liking it or not being a part of your body

Difficult and traumatic birth experience due to pelvic alignment and disconnection Fertility issues / autoimmune conditions that have persisted in spite of lifestyle changes

Pelvis / womb disconnected from the rest of the body

Womb lays to the side of the body energetically or floats above Imprints of perpetrator in the energy field - usually with head or hands inside the root space / womb / around the right hip Vibrations of disgust in the womb felt as 'self disgust'


Join the next Womb Room journey to heal and reconnect to your womb.

 

Somatics Deep discomfort inside the body

Unable to feel safe in own body

Sense of body not belonging to self

Sense of something missing within the body

Sense of never having felt safe or secure in self / body / world

Irregular and/or unusually fast heart rate (palpitations)

Dissociation / realisation / depersonalisation

Recurring sensations that are familiar but can't be accessed Doubt around internal sensations - who they belong to and what they mean / hold

Fear around accessing internal sensations

Body feels overheated, uncomfortable to be in

Hard to feel internal body sensations or make any sense of them Disconnection between sensation and the corresponding emotion

Sense of body being dangerous / my body hates me / my womb is dangerous

Freeze response in the body, sense of a floor / wall that can't be broken through

Body dysmorphia / inability to look in the mirror or view / touch own body

Vagal tone is low -almost constant state of stress / panic / hyper vigilance

Blank facial expression / blank eyes / vacancy

Avoidance of somatic healing because of innate sense of fear around 'what will come up' Feeling of heaviness or numbness - often in genitals / womb Feeling of brain having 'shut down' or 'no longer works'

Feeling of nausea / needing to vomit but unable to

Chronic fatigue and lack of energy without stimulants Weight on chest, heavy pressure on chest, boulder on the heart


 

The inner energetics or the individual energy field reflects clearly, the imprints and consequences of childhood sexual abuse. These vibrate and are felt at a deep level within but are often not able to be articulated until the healing sessions begin and the field is revealed. This is a potent time for healing work to be done and the effects of working on the field are felt immediately.

Inner energetics Feeling of being locked in own body

Unable to move in own body

Sense of being a jigsaw / energetically Feeling incoherent (soul fragmentation)

Poor sense of boundaries

Unsure where body or energy field begins or ends

System feels like a closed bag

Feels like ticking time bomb

Energy cannot flow down to the ground or up to the mouth

Sense of being chained from within

Unable to feel or work with energy body Unable to embody left side (feminine side)

Heart feels blocked Feeling of being crushed underneath a heavy weight or a barrier

Feeling of being held down / pinned down Sense of a figure following from behind or being stuck on the back

Energy field quickly fragments, dissipates, contracts seemingly for no reason

Pulling / battle felt in right side of energy field around right hip Sense of being pulled back by an invisible force often around the throat / heart

Self sabotage, daggers and chains in the field turned in on self


Midline

Midline is distorted, fragmented in multiple places or partly dissociated Multiple false midlines exist in the field leaving a person confused as to 'who they really are'

Unable to access energetic midline consistently and stay there for more than several seconds

Roots

Grounding is non existent / inconsistent or frequently interrupted

Inability to ground / grow energetic roots

Root space feels full and hard to feel and therefore is avoided

Root space has imprints that feel 'disgusting' or 'dangerous'

Coccyx feels stuck or is curled inwards Sharp pain in coccyx Read more about the importance of our root space here

Womb:

Energetic interference in the yoni and space around it, feels like invasion, interruption

There is a black box over the womb

There are tall walls energetically within the womb that prevent depth of sensation The womb appears like a rigid black rectangle energetically

Womb lays to the side of the body energetically or floats above

Foreign / dark energy / unidentifiable shape around entrance to yoni

Imprints of perpetrator in the energy field - usually with head or hands inside the root space / womb / around the right hip


Solar plexus:

Solar plexus is either tight or overflowing or dominant over the heart Solar plexus is knotted or feels like there is a heavy black block inside


Throat

Womb-heart throat connection is broken or blocked

Throat feels tight and constricted, like being strangled / barbed wire around throat

Throat is blocked / restricted / disconnected from heart

Cannot speak out, express through the throat easily

Feeling of 'not allowed to speak' / feeling of 'punishment if I speak the truth' Throat is disconnected from heart and resists reconnection


Legs:

Sense of legs being crossed to protect the womb Legs feel heavy, disconnected from the body Legs are dissociated, there is no connection to the legs in the energy body Legs are bloated and preventing movement energetically

Legs appear like pegs, wooden sticks, metal rods etc


 

Emotions:

Fear

Feeling of fear deep within but not knowing why and unable to explore it

Unsure what you're scared of

Fear / terror when trying to access deeper inner layers somatically and energetically

Fear of trusting own body, fear of where body will take you

Sense of impending danger -especially at night / when alone

Shock response held deep within the nervous system and scared to go there


Shame

When anger is expressed it explodes, resulting in self blame and guilt Sense of not being pure

Sense of not being worthy of existing

Sense of being inherently wrong / bad / dirty

Feeling of being different and wrong compared to everyone else

Feeling of being a different child / a dark child compared to other kids

Feeling of not belonging in the world or needing to hide the self / hide a secret but not quite sure what

Feeling of holding something that needs to be kept a secret

Feeling of holding the secrets of the world that can't be spoken of

Feeling of being in the dark/ living in the darkness

Feeling of having no heart / being heartless / having a hole in the heart


Sense of being trapped in the shame - guilt cycle that usually becomes noticeable through relationships with others

Lifelong sense of shame / there is something wrong with me / i am not good / i am not pure

Sense of self hatred that is then normalised Internal critic is more than a critic, they hold the voice of an attacker

Self blame / self criticism or seeking of external validation to be 'worthy / good enough'

Lack of self worth, never being good enough regardless of what is achieved Lack of self compassion, any attempts to 'feel good' trigger guilt or shame at a sensation level

Uncertainty around sense of self Feeling of being totally alone even in a relationship / marriage

Feelings of self and body as repulsive, dirty or bad / wrong

Attracting partners that trigger body shame and guilt

Attracting partners who are emotionally or sexually unavailable / abusive

Shame around sexual arousal and then confusion around the shame

Lack of capacity to feel and cultivate self love, self love collapses under an unknown weight

Feeling of 'there's something more' / 'something has happened' but unable to know what

Sense of being different from other children / people

Sense of being cursed, fallen under a curse, under a spell that keeps you stuck



Numbness / Frozen / Vacant

Numbing or finding oneself numb and unsure why

Feeling of being lost , disconnected from self and body

Not able to drop into anything, not able to fulfil oneself

Unable to access inner world, many external attachments to distract

Sudden emotional shut downs

Suddenly feeling blank Moments of intense triggering and then sudden shut down

Unable to cry or release emotion from the body

Unable to feel own emotions for more than a few moments Avoidance of emotions / inability to sense inner emotions or describe them

Inability to feel love / loved / pretending to feel love

Sense of acting / pretending in life, not knowing what 'real' is or feels like

kicked out of the body / unable to access emotions in the heart for prolonged periods or in enough depth to heal them

Unable to express emotion easily without shutting down



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