For several weeks now I've been going back and forth wondering whether to speak openly about this topic: the signs that your body is holding unconscious childhood sexual abuse.
With no memory of any event, unconscious childhood sexual abuse reveals itself through the nervous system, the physical structure particularly of the pelvis and spine, the psyche / emotional inner world and the energy field.
People who have experienced childhood sexual abuse often find themselves disembodied, chronically dis-regulated at a nervous system and visceral level, dissociating during somatic work and completely unaware of why. Usually layers of conditioning, other trauma events and illnesses have accumulated over the years leading to a deeper burying of the root causes.
This kind of trauma can be pre verbal and therefore there are often no words or images available to make sense of what is going on. Along with that, inner sensation is often muted or muffled and isn't reaching the brain to be processed, a sign of dissociation. As a result what is left, is subtle sense impressions and vibrations in the field, inner feelings that are hard to articulate and a sense of constant confusion, separation from self and shame. These are fragments, fractals, that can be opened to reveal more until the whole story is pieced back together.
I have developed a unique approach to helping my clients uncover, heal and integrate when evidence of childhood sexual abuse emerges during therapy. This approach offers direct clarity and understanding of what has happened leads to a deep harmonisation somatically, emotionally, relationally and energetically. Please reach out to me if you need to heal from the effects of childhood sexual abuse or if you are reading this article and you feel it is speaking to some of the experiences you haven't been able to put words to.
Structure / spine - our physical structure especially the spine reflects the base level of consciousness and holds the key to healing unresolved trauma
Spine feels stiff, held and rigid
Spinal feels fragile, spinal density is low
Sacrum is twisted / bent
Sacrum feels stuck /numb, spine is inaccessible and can't be felt
Coccyx is twisted, curled under, feels tight or numb
Lumbar sacral plexi are imbalanced between right and left
Compression and density in lumbar spine / lower back pain usually ache or throb
Pelvis feels locked or stiff / myofascial pelvic pain and tension
Pelvic floor feels tight, heavy, held, uncomfortable
Prolapse
Abdominal or pelvic pain / throbbing / heaviness
Hypertonic (very tight) pelvic floor Pain in the groin, buttocks, hips, and pelvis
Chronic pain and inflammation that doesn't resolve with structural work / diet changes Psoas muscles inner thighs feel tight Sacroiliac joints are painful / inflamed / limited mobility
Right hip feels inflamed, tense, pulled up without evidence of an injury
Stiffness in the hips regardless of stretching or structural work Pelvis is twisted and held (usually twisted to the left) Legs feel stiff / numb / knees are inflammed
Sphenoid is twisted creating cranial imbalance, sinus issues, hearing issues
Chronic jaw tension
Intracranial tension and pressure, membranes are tight Tentorium (associated with control) is held tightly and wound up affecting cranial nerve function and fluidic flow
Organs - our organs hold emotion and reflect underlying nervous system activity and consciousness and hold immense healing potential
Kidneys hold intense fear and charge
Kidneys feel frozen heavy / numb / cold
Kidneys feel muffled or are dissociated
Stomach feels tight / contracted / knotted
Gut is inflamed / IBS symptoms / Gut-brain connection inhibited
Can only feel stomach and gut when full / sensation is muted
Uncertainty about satiation which leads to patterns of starvation / binging / eating disorders
Liver toxicity and held charge of anger that can't be accessed
Overactive nervous system, constant stress
Cortisol levels are elevated but chronic stress states perceived as 'normal'
Adrenal glands are over-active
Organs feel full / like about to burst
Body feels bloated, there is visible bloating
Organs feel like they are on fire
Diaphragm is tight
Breathing is shallow
Breath doesn't go down into the womb / root on the exhale
Lymphatic stagnation and neurotoxicity
Layering of chronic and degenerative conditions
Autoimmune conditions
Organ dissociation particularly heart, womb and in more severe cases, also the gut and liver
Thyroid issues
Womb holds imprints of sexual abuse, often as impressions / sensations that prevents womb embodiment and grounding
Womb is inaccessible / numb / doesn't feel like it belongs to the body or to you
Womb is dissociated from the body / inaccessible
Womb is a black box / rock / heavy / separate from body
Womb heart throat connection is broken Menstruation has stopped, is irregular / extremely painful
Experiencing fibroids / endometriosis / cysts
Body holds innate sense of being dirty / wrong / disgusting / repulsive
Womb feels heavy / dirty and holds imprints of perversion that create nausea
Accessing the womb triggers nausea reflex
Sense of terror in the womb but not knowing why
Sense of womb being full or overflowing
Sense of womb being heavy or on fire / angry
Yoni / Penis holds sense of disgust / feeling of not liking it or not being a part of your body
Difficult and traumatic birth experience due to pelvic alignment and disconnection Fertility issues / autoimmune conditions that have persisted in spite of lifestyle changes
Pelvis / womb disconnected from the rest of the body
Womb lays to the side of the body energetically or floats above Imprints of perpetrator in the energy field - usually with head or hands inside the root space / womb / around the right hip Vibrations of disgust in the womb felt as 'self disgust'
Join the next Womb Room journey to heal and reconnect to your womb.
Somatics Deep discomfort inside the body
Unable to feel safe in own body
Sense of body not belonging to self
Sense of something missing within the body
Sense of never having felt safe or secure in self / body / world
Irregular and/or unusually fast heart rate (palpitations)
Dissociation / realisation / depersonalisation
Recurring sensations that are familiar but can't be accessed Doubt around internal sensations - who they belong to and what they mean / hold
Fear around accessing internal sensations
Body feels overheated, uncomfortable to be in
Hard to feel internal body sensations or make any sense of them Disconnection between sensation and the corresponding emotion
Sense of body being dangerous / my body hates me / my womb is dangerous
Freeze response in the body, sense of a floor / wall that can't be broken through
Body dysmorphia / inability to look in the mirror or view / touch own body
Vagal tone is low -almost constant state of stress / panic / hyper vigilance
Blank facial expression / blank eyes / vacancy
Avoidance of somatic healing because of innate sense of fear around 'what will come up' Feeling of heaviness or numbness - often in genitals / womb Feeling of brain having 'shut down' or 'no longer works'
Feeling of nausea / needing to vomit but unable to
Chronic fatigue and lack of energy without stimulants Weight on chest, heavy pressure on chest, boulder on the heart
The inner energetics or the individual energy field reflects clearly, the imprints and consequences of childhood sexual abuse. These vibrate and are felt at a deep level within but are often not able to be articulated until the healing sessions begin and the field is revealed. This is a potent time for healing work to be done and the effects of working on the field are felt immediately.
Inner energetics Feeling of being locked in own body
Unable to move in own body
Sense of being a jigsaw / energetically Feeling incoherent (soul fragmentation)
Poor sense of boundaries
Unsure where body or energy field begins or ends
System feels like a closed bag
Feels like ticking time bomb
Energy cannot flow down to the ground or up to the mouth
Sense of being chained from within
Unable to feel or work with energy body Unable to embody left side (feminine side)
Heart feels blocked Feeling of being crushed underneath a heavy weight or a barrier
Feeling of being held down / pinned down Sense of a figure following from behind or being stuck on the back
Energy field quickly fragments, dissipates, contracts seemingly for no reason
Pulling / battle felt in right side of energy field around right hip Sense of being pulled back by an invisible force often around the throat / heart
Self sabotage, daggers and chains in the field turned in on self
Midline
Midline is distorted, fragmented in multiple places or partly dissociated Multiple false midlines exist in the field leaving a person confused as to 'who they really are'
Unable to access energetic midline consistently and stay there for more than several seconds
Roots
Grounding is non existent / inconsistent or frequently interrupted
Inability to ground / grow energetic roots
Root space feels full and hard to feel and therefore is avoided
Root space has imprints that feel 'disgusting' or 'dangerous'
Coccyx feels stuck or is curled inwards Sharp pain in coccyx Read more about the importance of our root space here
Womb:
Energetic interference in the yoni and space around it, feels like invasion, interruption
There is a black box over the womb
There are tall walls energetically within the womb that prevent depth of sensation The womb appears like a rigid black rectangle energetically
Womb lays to the side of the body energetically or floats above
Foreign / dark energy / unidentifiable shape around entrance to yoni
Imprints of perpetrator in the energy field - usually with head or hands inside the root space / womb / around the right hip
Solar plexus:
Solar plexus is either tight or overflowing or dominant over the heart Solar plexus is knotted or feels like there is a heavy black block inside
Throat
Womb-heart throat connection is broken or blocked
Throat feels tight and constricted, like being strangled / barbed wire around throat
Throat is blocked / restricted / disconnected from heart
Cannot speak out, express through the throat easily
Feeling of 'not allowed to speak' / feeling of 'punishment if I speak the truth' Throat is disconnected from heart and resists reconnection
Legs:
Sense of legs being crossed to protect the womb Legs feel heavy, disconnected from the body Legs are dissociated, there is no connection to the legs in the energy body Legs are bloated and preventing movement energetically
Legs appear like pegs, wooden sticks, metal rods etc
Emotions:
Fear
Feeling of fear deep within but not knowing why and unable to explore it
Unsure what you're scared of
Fear / terror when trying to access deeper inner layers somatically and energetically
Fear of trusting own body, fear of where body will take you
Sense of impending danger -especially at night / when alone
Shock response held deep within the nervous system and scared to go there
Shame
When anger is expressed it explodes, resulting in self blame and guilt Sense of not being pure
Sense of not being worthy of existing
Sense of being inherently wrong / bad / dirty
Feeling of being different and wrong compared to everyone else
Feeling of being a different child / a dark child compared to other kids
Feeling of not belonging in the world or needing to hide the self / hide a secret but not quite sure what
Feeling of holding something that needs to be kept a secret
Feeling of holding the secrets of the world that can't be spoken of
Feeling of being in the dark/ living in the darkness
Feeling of having no heart / being heartless / having a hole in the heart
Sense of being trapped in the shame - guilt cycle that usually becomes noticeable through relationships with others
Lifelong sense of shame / there is something wrong with me / i am not good / i am not pure
Sense of self hatred that is then normalised Internal critic is more than a critic, they hold the voice of an attacker
Self blame / self criticism or seeking of external validation to be 'worthy / good enough'
Lack of self worth, never being good enough regardless of what is achieved Lack of self compassion, any attempts to 'feel good' trigger guilt or shame at a sensation level
Uncertainty around sense of self Feeling of being totally alone even in a relationship / marriage
Feelings of self and body as repulsive, dirty or bad / wrong
Attracting partners that trigger body shame and guilt
Attracting partners who are emotionally or sexually unavailable / abusive
Shame around sexual arousal and then confusion around the shame
Lack of capacity to feel and cultivate self love, self love collapses under an unknown weight
Feeling of 'there's something more' / 'something has happened' but unable to know what
Sense of being different from other children / people
Sense of being cursed, fallen under a curse, under a spell that keeps you stuck
Numbness / Frozen / Vacant
Numbing or finding oneself numb and unsure why
Feeling of being lost , disconnected from self and body
Not able to drop into anything, not able to fulfil oneself
Unable to access inner world, many external attachments to distract
Sudden emotional shut downs
Suddenly feeling blank Moments of intense triggering and then sudden shut down
Unable to cry or release emotion from the body
Unable to feel own emotions for more than a few moments Avoidance of emotions / inability to sense inner emotions or describe them
Inability to feel love / loved / pretending to feel love
Sense of acting / pretending in life, not knowing what 'real' is or feels like
kicked out of the body / unable to access emotions in the heart for prolonged periods or in enough depth to heal them
Unable to express emotion easily without shutting down
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