Perhaps you're reading this because you're raging and you're not sure what to do about it. Or maybe your partner is having anger issues and it's affecting your relationship. Anger is an emotion but for some reason feeling it still carries alot of stigma. This means it can feel hard to safely express anger, especially if as a child you were never allowed to or you were punished for it. Maybe you often saw your parents angry and promised to never be the same. Whatever the reason, developing a healthy understanding and a somatic relationship with your anger is important. This blog post is inspired by my work with a client who despite having lots of therapy in the past, was unable to get to the root causes of his physical and emotional issues. All identifiable details have been changed. As always, if you're ready to start healing reach out to me.
Mark's Background
Mark came to see me with long term back pain and migraines. He had a twist in his spine since childhood and suffered from debilitating migraines for about five years. He had seen therapists, physios and osteopaths but only felt temporary relief. He started to suspect his physical issues could be related to something deeper...
When I asked Mark how he felt emotionally he spoke about feeling insecure about his body. He would often compare himself to other guys he saw on TV, in the gym and sometimes even his own friends. He secretly wished he looked more 'alpha male' and to him this meant being more muscular. He would work out often but didn't gain much muscle and felt hopeless. The migraines were making it difficult for him to concentrate and sometimes to sleep. He felt unsure about his future, his career path and who he truly was.
I noticed that despite asking Mark about his emotions, he could only talk about his body. This made me realise that he wasn't aware of his deeper emotions despite the fact they were showing up in his physical body and his perception of his body.
(This is very common- we often notice symptoms first, rather than deeper root causes. Symptoms are also easier to talk about. That's why I put together this FREE Body Mapping Practice so that you can get a clear idea of how your physical symptoms are related to your deeper unresolved traumas. Check it out here.)
The more I spoke to Mark the deeper he started to express himself. He admitted he felt disconnected, inadequate and unloveable. These were feelings that had followed him his whole life that he had never told anyone about. He struggled to reconcile them because he felt like he had a healthy childhood. Apart from whopping cough (which almost killed him as baby) he remembers his family life as mostly harmonious. As a result he felt guilt for feeling the way he did. He wasn't sure what he needed to do to heal, but he said he would be willing to do it.
The Healing Work
The healing work started on a physical level, to relax the nervous system, unwind the spinal muscles, rebalance the lower thoracic, heal the gut and put the liver to rest.
There was a strong charge in his body like a can of coke that has been shaken and taken out of a freezer and is about to burst open. He breathed heavily trying to manage the sensational overwhelm and self soothe.
Gradually he learnt to let go and trust the process, trust his body to breathe naturally. This supported deeper releasing of charge and emotion in his body.
Week after week for several months we slowly unboxed childhood imprints of pre verbal grief and confusion, past life mysteries where he had been bound and tied against his will, family secrets that hadn't been fully acknowledged or spoken of and the realities of his ancestral lines, holocaust survivors. Survivors. His body was holding so much. At times in his life he would feel down and disconnected and not know why because his sensations needed integration; mind, heart and body needed to be brought back into the same space. No amount of talking therapy can do this, trauma is held in the tissues of the body. Deep in the cells. He always felt his wounds were so deep he never believe they could be healed.
His life events had created a feeling of not fitting in, not being acceptable or good enough was the result of amongst other things, being bullied at college for no reason other than he wasn't willing to bully, and finding the outside world, a confronting challenge, that he wasn't prepared for in his innocence and emotional sensitivity. He was the child that would watched the washing machine going round as he drowned out the world around him. He was the child that felt everything that wasn't being said in his household, between his parents. He was the child that learnt to hold the pain that his parents were not able to express and heal themselves. He was the child, like many now in this time of awakening, called to heal their family lines.
The more his body shared memories , bit by bit it started to emerge that it was hard to face the world and stay open, so his spine was twisting and turning away to protect his entire being. A big part of his healing was in allowing him to face and express his rage and sadness fully and still be respected. He gradually became more comfortable with contacting these emotions. His sobs and grunts were raw and sometime the energies moving through him were so strong I could see why he had been containing them.
One day he spoke about the bullies and how they made him feel like he didn't fit in, like he was the outsider. He talked about wanting to kill one of them. 'Just one?' I asked. 'Maybe this person too' he replied, referencing another college bully. 'Make a list' I suggested. It wasn't long before he was drawing up a hit list of who needed to be murdered. With each person he was to kill, the part of him that needed to murder, also dies. Facing it. Seeing it through, in a space that is safe. This was the permission he needed.
A gentle man with a murderous rage. A perfect polarity. It's so common.
Most men do not even come for therapy and when they do, they don't go anywhere near their boiling rage. It's too dangerous, too primal, it risks too much rejection.
Through body and energy work he learnt how to safely released this inner tension, torsion and charge. His chest, previously hard and protective had softened and become accessible to him. His heart began to speak as shock, rage and sadness that had accumulated over so many years started to re-integrate. Eventually he became comfortable releasing rage. It came pouring out, it was to be honest, shatteringly beautiful. He screamed and screamed with his face in a pillow. It was raw. Explosive. Primal. Unfiltered. It was a long time coming.
When he had finished, there was a sense of calm. His body softened and his heart opened to himself. I invited him to notice the respect that was still there for him. He could feel it. It settled him deeper into himself. In our final session we recapped our journey. He cried openly and talked about how the work had changed his life. He was so much more willing to just be himself now. He knew he was different from other men but he didn't care. He just wanted to be true to himself.
In our final session we recapped our journey. He cried openly and talked about how the work had changed his life. He was so much more willing to just be himself now. He knew he was different from other men but he didn't care. He just wanted to be true to himself.
How would the world respond to a highly sensitive, feeling and creative man, who cared deeply for the life and wellbeing of others, who would spontaneously get into upbeat conversation with strangers on the tube and manage to connect with homeless people on the street just like they were brothers, and who nurtured tomatoes on his window sill before putting them deep into the soil of his garden.
How will the world respond to a new model of masculinity, that is emotionally open and available, willing to be vulnerable, unassuming and not interested in power or control?
How would the world respond to a man who was loving himself more each day, and accepting his place in the world as he uncovers his gifts and self worth. No longer turning away, but facing it all, open to what comes. I can only imagine, the world will bow down to make space for the rise of the divine masculine. It's time for him to rise. To spread his wings and take up his vastness in the space of IAM. In deep gratitude, reverence and awe of my client and his healing journey
Here's what Mark wrote about his healing journey
Wow. Where to begin. I came to Safa having already had great experiences with Cranio Sacral Therapy work. In our first session I started shaking uncontrollably, it felt like I boiled off a huge amount of residual fear. From then on going for treatment with Safa became a spiritual pilgrimage for me, and a part of my week that was something that felt very very necessary but also like a treat. I let go of so many things I didn’t know I was holding onto.
Safa has the softest, most intelligent hands and heart, that allowed me to release into myself in all my beauty and rage. Her voice has become a voice of wisdom in my head now I know her better, where I ask myself “ come on what would Safa say?”, and the answers are always about understanding and allowing everything which makes everything better every time.
It’s a deep kind of acceptance that in all honesty I just wouldn’t have been able to conceive of without her support and guidance so I must say, go, book her now while you can, because she’ll soon be going to places where we won’t be able to follow her so closely.
People as precious as Safa come into our lives as rarely as a solar eclipse.
Bless yourself, let Kimiya do the healing, and thank me later. '
Are You Ready To Discover Your Inner Alchemist?
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