You might be reading this because you're healing from narcissistic abuse or you're currently in a relationship with a narcissist and you're trying to figure out what is going on.
The challenging process of navigating narcissistic abuse means you're often left not just holding alot of pain but also having to ask deep and dark questions. Did they choose you for a reason? Did you create this?
In this blog post i'm going to discuss how the narcissist chooses their target and what the consequences of narcissistic abuse can be.
If you are struggling to heal from this kind of psychological and emotional abuse, please reach out to me. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and you're still trying to coach / teach / heal / fix them or worse - you're now convinced that you are the crazy one, then read this next sentence twice: Leave now, while you still can.
What Is The Narcissist Seeking?
At an existential and spiritual level, the narcissist is seeking a reintegration with their soul, where they have long abandoned themselves over many lifetimes and in many ways. The narcissist is generally severely dissociated and has a level of soul fragmentation.
This has led to the core wound of the narcissist which is shame, and the resulting self hatred that leaves a trail of chaos whereever they go.
At a psychological level the narcissist is seeking to control and maintain their false mask. The false mask is an illusion of who they are that has subconsciously been created over the course of their entire life to feel worthy enough of existing. Infact, the entire life of the narcissist is like a double bolted steel door because it revolves entirely around keeping up a fake persona that they do not even know themselves, is fake.
At an emotional level the narcissist doesn't function as you do.
They are unable to feel the level of empathy that most normal people do and they do not process emotions in the same way. Their only emotional drive is to continue to create chaos in order to avoid their own shame and reinforce the false self that they have created in order to function in the world.
The main emotion they can feel is self hatred which is primarily expressed through deep currents of suppressed rage, self sabotage or violence towards others.
Socially the narcissist seeks to do whatever needs to be done in order to reinforce the false self and create the perception of belonging and success. These are the two things that are elusive to the narcissist because one can never belong truly, until they have reunited with their soul level awareness and secondly success can never be realised until there is an integration of the spirit. Therefore the narcissist fuels the perception of belonging and success, but doesn't actually realise it.
Ask any narcissist to deconstruct and explain how they feel when they belong or when they are successful and they will usually draw a blank. They might say 'powerful.' The narcissist seeks any situation or person that can make them feel powerful, and the power that they seek is quite simply the power to remain exactly as they are - unaccountable for their behaviour and holding onto the soul wound of shame and self hatred.
Who Does the Narcissist Target?
The truth is, the narcissistic abuser targets people with specific characteristic and qualities. They key ones are empathy, compassion and connection. They need this, because it provides the necessary conditions for their narcissism to be tolerated and enabled. This is why good hearted, genuine and openly loving people are often targeted by narcissists.
Narcissists are also drawn to people with status, wealth, beauty, and power.
They seek to associate with "worthy" individuals to bask in their reflected glory. This allows them to use it as a mask for their own darkness.
Narcissists also target independent and self-sufficient women, viewing them as valuable resources to exploit. Ultimately, the narcissist's primary attraction is to those who are successful, accomplished, and admired by others, as these people feed the narcissist's insatiable need for attention and validation.
The short answer is they look for the total opposite of themselves because a narcissist would get nothing from another narcissist. They need a supply.
Do you know what they do when they find a supply? They mirror them.
They mirror your wants and needs, love bombing you to win your trust before gradually dismantling your boundaries and sense of self.
Narcissistic Mirroring
They carefully study their targets and mirror their behaviors and mannerisms in order to draw them in. The mirroring can make you feel like you have trust, connection and shared values. In this way, you start to let your guard down and maybe even fall in love. What comes next with a narcissist is usually the deepest betrayal of your trust, love and faith in human nature.
The victim has no idea that the narcissist is completely faking everything because the extent of the mirroring is so chronic and deep seated that it comes across as quite normal. After all, they appear to be quite similar to you- at the start at least. As you believe in yourself and that you are a real person, you find it normal to believe in the other person too. At the start, the narcissist gives you no reason to believe they are wearing a false mask. Infact, they can keep it up for a long time because there is no connection to the true self. Therefore, falseness is all the narcissist has ever know. They never get tired of this game, whereas a normal empathic person would be drained by having to pretend they are someone else in order to have connection - for the narcissist it's a way of life.
The narcissist is able to imitate you through close observation that can boarder on obsession. They are highly calculating and manipulative and for this reason, they have no intention of dining on an empty table. They would rarely if ever, seek another narcissist because that person has nothing to offer them. Instead, they seek a person that can provide everything they need to feed off, which is also everything they are unable to provide for themselves or anyone else- namely, empathy, love, connection, authenticity, stability and sociability.
The narcissist typically targets individuals who exhibit the following traits:
Empathetic and compassionate nature, with excellent listening skills
Strong nurturing instincts and a willingness to help others
Tendency to prioritize others' needs over their own (people-pleasing)
Deep-seated desire to please and accommodate others
Generous with their time, energy, and resources
Financial stability or access to valuable assets (savings, property, career)
Attractive qualities such as physical appearance, social status, or influence
Self-sufficiency and independence
Advanced spiritual awareness and an open-hearted approach to life
Well-regarded and admired within their social or professional circles
Common Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse
In intimate relationships, it's estimated that up to 60% of people have experienced at least one form of narcissistic abuse. A survey conducted by the National Domestic Violence Hotline found that 43% of callers reported experiencing gaslighting, a common tactic used by narcissists.
Children raised by narcissistic parents are at a higher risk of developing mental health issues, with one study showing that 81% of adult children of narcissistic parents experienced depression.
In the workplace, narcissistic abuse is also prevalent, with an estimated 1 in 5 CEOs displaying clinically significant levels of narcissistic traits.
Flashbacks, nightmares, or being easily startled
Overwhelming sense of guilt, regret, or shame
Reliving the trauma from the narcissistic abuse
Feeling like you are the narcissist and internalizing the abuse
Feeling overwhelmed with confusion about why you were treated that way
Shutting down and refusing to trust yourself or anyone else again
Closing your heart because it feels safer than opening it and being abused again
Questioning and doubting your own essential self-care boundaries
Being on-alert 24/7, easily startled by loud or unexpected noises
Experiencing hallucinations
Feeling detached from your emotions or body, not feeling like yourself
Exhibiting avoidance behaviour or avoiding situations that remind you of the abuse
Avoiding relationships or being unable to trust others
Being preoccupied with the abusive relationship/person, or continuously thinking of revenge
Losing sight of what's happening as you defend yourself and try to understand the narcissist's behaviour
Spending hours researching 'narcissistic abuse' online
Questioning reality and what 'normal' is due to the narcissist's attempts to convince you of their version of normal
Feeling you will never get over the damage they've done, even though you will, once you let them go
Questioning your own gut feeling and intuition
Developing insomnia and restlessness at night
Developing gut issues or IBS
Feeling overburdened by regret and unanswered questions
Blaming yourself for being open, trusting, and wanting to see the best in someone
No longer trusting your own body or intuition
Beating yourself up for trusting them, even though they used your trust against you
Being baffled and emotionally exhausted, unable to reconcile the violation of your trust.
My online courses offer targeted guidance and tools to help you navigate the complexities of healing from narcissistic family dynamics and childhood trauma, including childhood sexual abuse.
For personalized support, I invite you to book a one-on-one call with me. Together, we can explore your unique experiences, identify patterns that may be holding you back, and create a tailored plan for your healing and growth.
Remember, you are not alone in this journey. By taking this step to understand and heal from your past, you're already breaking the cycle and paving the way for a more authentic, fulfilling life. You have the strength and resilience to transform your pain into power and become the author of your own story.
Are you ready to embrace your role as a cycle breaker and new ancestor? Take the first step today by booking a consultation or enrolling in one of my courses. Your future self will thank you for the courage and commitment you're showing right now.