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How A Narcissist Uses The Relationship To Recreate Their Own Attachment Trauma




The narcissist will try to re-enact their troubled childhood within the relationship with you. The purpose of this re-enactment is to get resolution for their unprocessed emotional pain and trauma. And you, the unsuspecting target of their affection or abuse, have become the stand-in for the parents, siblings, or peers who failed them long ago.



• The narcissist will try to re-enact their troubled childhood within the relationship with you. The purpose of this re-enactment is to get resolution for their unprocessed emotional pain and trauma.


• They will turn you into a maternal figure by trying to trigger emotional reactions that they can then use to get their needs met. Most of the time, this is a bid for the attention they never received as a child.


• The attention you provide, whether positive or negative, is irrelevant to them. They prefer positive attention, but they will settle for conflict and drama rather than having no response or reaction. This is because they are seeking attention rather than presence. This includes your angry or emotional response - which is perfect fuel for them.


• They internally create situations to get attention rather than being present. They don't differentiate between attention and presence, as their level of emotional awareness often feels like that of a toddler.


• This childlike quality can unconsciously activate your maternal and nurturing instincts to care, provide, and protect. However, it's also confusing because it's an adult who cannot truly reciprocate or receive.


• Repetition until there is resolution becomes a merry-go-round that never stops. They can't stop repeating their patterns because it is so deeply engrained in their neurological patterns of survival. This means even when you ask them to stop, they cannot.


• At first, their childlike innocence feels endearing, sweet, and kind. However, you then notice a lack of emotional depth and maturity. They may exhibit Peter Pan syndrome where they seem to never want to truly grow up and take accountability or responsibility. This can affect you and your children's lives.


• They use childlike mannerisms to manipulate you into believing their innocence and releasing them from any responsibility to uphold a higher standard of relational engagement. Again this is all very subtle and designed to tug at your deeper nurturing and compassionate aspects.


• As soon as they realize there is no "supply" of attention and unconditional nurturing, they will attack or discard you. This is done in a way to trigger your own abandonment wounds, leading to a perpetual dysfunction and trauma loop. The narcissists biggest fear is being alone and they will make sure that they abandon you before you can abandon them - but not before they have found an alternative supply!


• The reaction to persistent narcissistic trauma in the mind is addiction and blaming others. However, a narcissist will not admit it, as these are their nonfunctional mechanisms for dealing with childhood mental scars.


• The narcissist will sabotage their own relationship, as deep in their unconscious, love is inherently associated with mental pain. They do not believe they are worthy of love because they have never received it or given it. Their false ideal identity equates attention with love. Therefore any attention fuels them and they do not discern as most people do. This can lead them to having affairs, seeking prostitutes or engaging in other compulsive, self-destructive behaviors to feed their insatiable need for validation and control.


• When you try to set boundaries or assert your needs, the narcissist will often react with hostility, blame, or attempts to make you feel guilty. They will repeatedly show you that they cannot and will not respect your boundaries. However, this will not be done in an explicit way but in convoluted ways that make the narcissist look 'innocent' and like the boundary violation was a 'mistake.'. When this repeats hundreds of times you will soon notice that it is a pattern and a way that they operate, which they compulsively create and cannot stop. To honour and respect your boundaries means the narcissist has to change - something they are unwilling to do.


• The narcissist's need for control and dominance in the relationship stems from their childhood experiences of powerlessness and lack of autonomy. Regaining that control becomes an obsession. You are not an individual human being when you are around a narcissist, but something that they seek to have power and control over. The narcissist often controls all aspects of their lives or none, it is rarely a balanced relationship of give and take because that requires trust, which is something the narcissist has not developed. After all, they cannot trust themselves because they are leaning on a false mask to exist.


• The narcissist may use triangulation, pitting you against others, as a way to maintain a sense of superiority and control. This can include your own family and friends. The narcissist may have seen this happen in their own family of origin.


• The narcissist's inability to truly empathize or form deep, meaningful connections is a direct result of the emotional neglect and trauma they experienced as a child. Their "false self" is a protective facade.


• When the narcissist feels threatened or challenged, they may resort to gaslighting, denying your reality, and making you question your own perceptions. This allows them to maintain control and avoid accountability.


• The narcissist's sense of entitlement and grandiose self-image is a coping mechanism to compensate for the deep feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness they carry from childhood.


• The narcissist's inability to accept criticism or admit fault stems from a fragile self-esteem, rooted in the shame and humiliation they experienced as a child when their flaws were exposed.


• The narcissist's constant need for admiration and validation is a desperate attempt to fill the void left by the lack of genuine love and acceptance they received in their formative years.


• The narcissist may use love bombing, showering you with affection and attention, as a way to quickly establish control and dependency in the relationship. This mirrors their own childhood longing for parental approval.


• The narcissist's tendency to engage in deception and manipulation is often a learned behavior, a coping mechanism they developed to survive in a dysfunctional family environment where honesty was punished or dismissed.


• The narcissist's inability to truly apologize or take responsibility for their actions is rooted in the shame and lack of accountability they experienced as a child. Admitting fault would shatter their fragile self-image.


• The narcissist's constant need for external validation and admiration stems from the deep-seated feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy they developed due to the emotional neglect or abuse they faced as a child.


• The narcissist's propensity for envy and resentment towards others' success or happiness is a reflection of the unmet needs and deprivation they experienced in their own childhood. Deep down the narcissist is deeply ashamed of themselves and no level of material success changes that. However, they will envy you for your own success and even more for your spiritual fulfilment. When you try to share this with them, they will hijack it for their own need - which is power and control over you.


• The narcissist's tendency to discard or abandon the relationship when it no longer serve their needs is a defense mechanism to avoid the pain of vulnerability and intimacy, which was denied to them in their formative years.


• The narcissist's lack of empathy and inability to truly connect with others is a direct result of the emotional isolation and disconnection they experienced as a child, leaving them unable to develop healthy emotional intelligence.


• The narcissist's obsession with status, power, and material possessions is often a compensation for the sense of worthlessness and lack of self-esteem they developed due to parental neglect or emotional abuse in childhood.


• The narcissist's propensity for shifting blame and deflecting responsibility is constantly. It is a coping strategy they learned early on to avoid the consequences of their own mistakes and shortcomings, which may have been harshly punished or dismissed in their family. As a result, nothing is the narcissists fault. They are masters of deflection and any attempt to pin them down to take accountability is futile. Their use of words is like a slippery snake, they will dance around the point of self accountability for decades, but will never be able to go there. If they do, it will be either a collapse of guilt where they become the victim, or empty apologies where they do not actually feel remorse, and continue to exhibit the same behaviour.


• The narcissist's tendency to idealize and then devalue their partners is a reflection of the unstable and inconsistent parental love they experienced as a child, leaving them unable to maintain healthy, balanced relationships. You will be idealized as long as you fuel the false mask. As soon as you start seeing through it, you become a threat to the narcissist and they will seek to destroy you - in all ways possible. This is absolutely neccessary for them., because if they do not destroy you, they (their fake self) will be destroyed, leaving them to face their soul wound of shame - which feels like death. Yes, the narcissist is an existential programme that will NOT change until they die. This requires persistent and long term somatic, emotional and energetic healing, shadow work, ancestral healing and repeated willingness to introspect and experience ego death. For most narcissists , this is quite simply not worth the bother. They feel they are functioning just fine, and everyone else is the problem.

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