Amy arrived at my clinic with a sense of desperation. She had been experiencing excruciating chest pain, back spasms, shortness of breath, and sleepless nights for the past year. Her condition had taken her in and out of hospitals, and she had seen numerous doctors without any clear diagnosis or solution. As a result, she felt increasingly disconnected from her body and those around her, and her energy levels were low. Her family was understandably worried about her.
As Amy continued to speak, I began to notice her breathing becoming shallower. Despite her mature reflection on her emotions, her description of chest pain and back spasms raised the possibility of severe panic attacks. She explained that her doctors were unable to determine the cause of her symptoms and had prescribed different treatments. However, after undergoing a scan, two small blood clots near her lungs were discovered. This news came as a shock to both Amy and her family, and she was quickly put on warfarin to thin her blood and steroids. Her doctor informed her that she would need to take these medications daily for the rest of her life. She was just 24 years old.
As Amy continued to speak, I could sense her confusion and inner conflict. She expressed her initial resistance to taking medication every day, but also acknowledged the pressure she felt from medical experts and her family to follow their advice. Despite being prescribed medication, she still didn't understand the root cause of her symptoms, which left her feeling disconnected from her own body and frustrated with the healthcare system.
As a holistic health practitioner, I knew that there could be deeper emotional and psychological factors contributing to Amy's physical symptoms. I asked her about her lifestyle and any recent stressful events in her life. She told me about the demanding job she had, the long hours she worked, and the pressure she felt to succeed. She also spoke about the recent loss of her mother and how she had been struggling to process her grief.
As we continued to talk, I could see Amy starting to relax and feel more comfortable opening up. She began to connect the dots between her stress levels and her physical symptoms. I explained to her that stress and emotional trauma can manifest as physical symptoms in the body.
As I tuned into her system I was instantly struck by a feeling of weightlessness. It was significant and it didn't shift. Her body began to show me showed the bubble it was in. There was no grounding or weight hence her disconnection from those around her. It was like she was floating. I asked her body why it was in a bubble and it showed me her heart. It was tugging her left shoulder over and over. A fierce tug of war. The strain was powerful, almost overpowering. It was no wonder she couldn't sleep. Her womb then came into focus and showed me the way it was moving, like a giant wheel going round and round, treading water as if it was trying to keep itself afloat. It was draining her. Her body was struggling to relax on the table and her spine was elevated as her back muscles remained in contraction. Her breathing was shallow and uneven.
Over the course of several sessions, we worked together to identify and address the underlying emotional and psychological factors contributing to Amy's physical symptoms. We also incorporated various holistic therapies, such as massage and acupuncture, to help alleviate her pain and tension.
In one session an image appeared. I could Amy looking terrified with her back pressed up against a huge brick wall.
'You're backed up against a huge wall right now' I said
'That's exactly how I feel!' she exclaimed. She told me it felt terrifying. She could feel her heart and it was in panic.
'Who is backing you up against this wall?' I asked
'I am' she replied
There was a realness here. An honesty. A knowing.
'That wall keeps you safe huh?'
'Yeah..'
'From what?' I asked
'From people' she replied
Physically, Amy's heart was in a state of panic, and the muscles in her back and pericardium were tight. This tension was also reflected in her thoracic diaphragm, which was contracting instead of expanding. Her heart was not being given the space it needed to function properly - both on a physical and emotional level. This lack of space was causing her blood to clot and disrupting her body's natural flow. The constant tug of war between her head and heart was keeping her stuck and draining her energy, leading to stagnation.
Amy had developed a belief that people couldn't truly comprehend her and wouldn't be able to provide the emotional support that she required. When she attempted to express her stress to her family, they disregarded it and attributed it to her imagination. The pressure to excel and move forward with life was intense. Each time she experienced emotional pain, her sensitive heart added another brick to the wall that was meant to protect her from further disappointment. Unfortunately, the wall had become too tall, resulting in her isolation from the world. She no longer interacted with others and felt like a ghost. The wall muffled her own voice, making it difficult for her to express herself effectively. Consequently, she felt misunderstood by her family, who failed to understand her needs, causing additional frustration and misunderstandings. Every time there was a confrontation or disappointment, it would lead to another layer of bricks being added to the wall. Amy found this process to be exhausting.
'I don't know how to live without the wall' she said, sounding scared.
Suddenly another image appeared where she was carrying the entire wall on her back. Step by step dragging her feet and getting nowhere. The weight of it was crushing her back. I couldn't believe it. She needed the wall so much she was willing to even carry it with her as she tried to move forward in life. But it was impossible. I started to realise the wall wasn't going to come down. It was the only safe-ish place she could be. It was survival. I invited her to see what else was around her and the wall, to try to create more space in her energy body and to see if this translated to her physicality.
'What else is around this wall, if we step back a bit, what else do you see apart from you and your giant wall?'
'I can see a garden on my right.' she replied
Phew. I was actually relieved. She had found somewhere else! Hmm..but now I was also a bit scared. I wondered what was happening with me, what was the transference here? The words came 'Was it safe? Is the garden safe?' I started to feel the intense weight and pressure of her family's concern and worry. It was strong and imposing. They loved her and they were trying to protect her but it was suffocating. The more she struggled with her health the more they worried and the more pressurised she felt. Perhaps as a way to get met emotionally, the pain and the not knowing brought her into the centre of her family constellation where she thought she might be met with the level of empathy she needed, but she was drowning in all the attention and still not getting her needs met.
'Shall we head for the garden?' I asked
I felt a different energy come through the field. Her body had softened, her back muscles had relaxed. There was more space in her breath. I felt the family worry lift.
'It's my grandma's garden. There's light. There's a fishpond. It's peaceful'
As if by magic we were transported. I was surprised by how our images were so in sync. I had also seen the fish pond. Together we spotted the little apple tree. We both smiled. I noticed that she had brought me with her to the garden. And whilst she had a sense of freedom there, she was lonely and she didn't feel complete without her family there with her. It could feel the conflict, between wanting to be there on her own and wanting to be part of her family.
She began to cry. As she did her heart released itself from the tug of war and a bright light began to spread throughout her body and the muscles relaxed and her chest opened. Her spine became weighty and sunk into the table.
'I know I just need to be ok on my own' she said. Her voice was fragile.
'Is that really what you need?' I asked 'Or do you need to find a new way to be around your family. A way that allows you to speak your truth and be understood by them?'
She understood that by hiding behind her wall she was not communicating her truth. We reconnected her head-throat-heart centres which over time had forgotten that they need to work together. Very quickly her heart settled and her womb began to speak.
'Can you hear that?' I asked her.
'Yes' she smiled. '
'What's your womb saying?' I asked
'It's telling me to be kind to myself' she replied
I smiled. That was exactly what I heard too. It was a simple message. It felt like the message from a grandmother. An elder.
'So you do have a body connection huh!'
Amy smiled. We reconnected her womb to the earth, anchoring her feminine centre and her entire body so that she was no longer in a bubble but solid and earthed.
'My blood feels thinner. Like it's moving. My heart feels lighter and I feel like a new person- with a new body.'
The following day, Amy reported feeling motivated to take better care of her body through healthy food choices and exercise. She even had a conversation with her body, expressing a desire to become friends with it. She noticed the continuous contraction and relaxation of her body before falling asleep.
The session highlighted the internal conflict between her heart and mind, as well as her need for independence while still desiring a sense of belonging. This tension was an important part of her journey as she entered young adulthood. Being the youngest in her family, she was particularly self-aware, which could be challenging at times. By understanding her own inner wall, she would be able to help her family address their own walls and improve their relationships.
Amy's journey towards body connection and speaking her truth was rooted in her previous disconnection and suffocation. As she became more aware of her own feelings and needs, she allowed herself to be understood and met by those around her, especially in matters concerning her heart.
Amy's Testimonial:
I had no idea what to expect when I came to see you, and my mind was full of fear and anxiety. However, I made a decision to approach the session with an open mind. As we started to talk and I began to express myself, I gradually started to feel safe and comfortable. During the session, I tried to clear my mind and focus on the experience. Your calm and reassuring presence helped me to feel safe, even though my body was initially unsure and protective. As I started to connect with my body, a wave of emotions hit me, and I felt a sense of relief and relaxation. I had been carrying a lot of pain both physically and emotionally without even realizing it. After the session, I felt incredibly light, energetic, and rejuvenated. However, my body felt exhausted in a way that I had never experienced before. I went to bed and woke up feeling like a new person. Although I still have some anxiety, I now know what I need to do and feel empowered to take the necessary steps. I am so grateful for the opportunity to rediscover myself and find my way back on the path I thought I had lost. Thank you for creating a safe and comfortable space for me to let go and reconnect with my body.